There is nothing to be afraid of. Nothing.
Everything connected, but separate. Opposing forces move in and out composing what makes daily life “complicated.” There is something to be said about a capacity to think without feeling, to feel without thinking, to do something without really wanting to. Opposing forces, never combined. At this point, I find myself thinking about where I’m headed with anything. It’s impossible to think about the process without thinking about the ending, and we almost never think about the beginning. I find myself, and many others, constantly questioning “what’s really important?”, prioritizing, making plans, making lists, putting things above other things in order of importance. There is something to be said about doing, without planning. Writing without composing thoughts before hand, letting the pen touch the page or the fingers touch the keyboard without any thought of what you are saying or doing—letting things flow in a way that is neither inappropriate or appropriate—doing what feels natural.
Doing what feels natural.
I don’t think I know what feels natural anymore. I think I’m scared of it now. Some people plan things so much and think so much that they forget about the salience of doing what feels natural. IT feels natural because it is—when you feel comfortable with someone, its because its natural for you to do so. When you question it, it gets complicated. Opposing forces, making what was once connected separate, re-thinking your own experience (as opposed to a shared experience)—and prioritizing it above everything else.
I don’t know if I am really saying anything here, or if this makes sense at all. But it feels natural, to be saying what I’m saying. Not thinking too much about the way the words fit together or if my sentences make sense, not trying to be creative nor analytical. Just thinking and feeling and making and writing, all together, all as one connected self. One connected experience.
Things fall apart because we make them or we get scared and try to stop things from happening, instead of just letting everything flow cohesively. If we did, these things falling apart wouldn’t signify an ending or a new beginning, but rather a possibility to rebuild—starting where we left off.
There is something to be said about feelings and thoughts merging into one contained, connected entity. There is something to be said about being free from the opposition these forces can create. I believe that when things feel right, when things feel natural it’s important to let your thoughts follow. Don’t worry too much about prioritizing or what’s really “important”, just let things happen the way they should.
And when something really awful happens, and it’s beyond your control entirely.. don’t try to stop it from happening. I try to let myself adapt. I’m trying to adapt. Allowing myself to feel everything and let my thoughts and my feelings just connect for a while, by allowing them to do so.
We don’t ever do anything we don’t really want to do. It’s just a matter of having two different parts of you wanting different things. Allow yourself both. Allow yourself reason with your feelings, and allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. Let the two connect. In so doing, I think you’ll be able to adapt to anything and live freely in a way that others cannot.
But who really knows? I am not saying anything unapparent to anyone else here, nothing groundbreaking or original, but at this moment, what I am saying is what I need to say. What I’m feeling and thinking and writing are all merging at this moment to release thoughts and feelings into something tangible. I want to be able to hold onto this moment of truth and honesty and cohesiveness forever, but there are other people involved too. What feels natural for us doesn’t feel natural for everyone, and we have to understand that. (Who the fuck is this “we” I keep talking about, I am really just talking about myself here.)
What I really want to do is something that Kerouac said best (and I’ve loved this quote since I was thirteen and have no shame in sharing it): "I want to fish as deep down as possible into my own subconscious in the belief that once that far down, everyone will understand because they are the same that far down."
I really do believe it. I just have to find it in myself first.
